You do know it's hurting me right?

There is really part of me wanting to give you up. I'm so sick of waiting aimlessly. I love you, but I don't feel you treating me the same as before. Your feelings for me are lost, and everything you've been treating me is just gone.

Even if we get back together, will we be as happy as ever?

Rather than hurting and tormenting the both of us, why not one let go, and let this relationship just settle down for awhile?

If we're really meant to be, we'll get back together.
Don't you feel that this is hurting us more than I ever intended it will be?

I don't want us to be hurt, even if the person to get hurt, that should be me, not you.
You look so terrible, I don't want you to think so much now. It hurts me.

That's it, my decision is final.
We talked it out and we somehow managed to come to a conclusion on waiting for you to confirm your feelings once again. But what is it in me that is hoping for? For your return? For your answer? Do you know half of me is actually hoping you might be breaking up? Do you know how scared I am actually to be with you?

Your insensitive words, your thoughts, your actions.. It somehow hurts me. It hurts me but still I love you.

You have been on my mind since I don't know when. Before I know, everything I do reminds me of you. Couple reminds me of you. If you lose feelings for me right now, even if we really get back together, will be ever be the same as we are previously? Will you lose feelings for me once again?

I miss the old you. The one that is always tenderly asking concern from me, the one always trying to make me happy and chilled. Do you remember.? Remember the late night text messages we send to each other? Our long messages, our break up, and patch..

You are very dear to me and I can't lost you, but at the same time, do you feel the same? If you don't, there is no point on us been together already, because ultimately, the one giving out the most will be me, not you, not us.

Mummy said that, I need to find a guy that love me more than I love him.

Since you started losing feelings towards me, that means you don't love me as much as I love you.

Even if I know this fact, I just don't want to let go.

I hate the fact that you will not be mine again anymore.
MY JEALOUSY IS UP TO THE POINT THAT I CAN JUST BE ANGRY WITH YOU,
even though you did nothing.

Anyway, i will not. I'm not that immature.
You know, you don't even care. Why should i? Today when on the way home, fariz and samuel were talking to me about you, and I just got kind of upset that you doesn't seem to treat me as a girlfriend. I wonder if there is any difference if we were not in the same course?

I hate the fact that you're always not contacting me. Like, suddenly not replying, concentrating on your games or what-so-ever. I can try to understand, but there is a limit. I am a girl, I have feelings too.

I don't want to come to a day that I will just ignore everything. Please try to understand me, it's hard been a girl, it's hard to have these feelings as a girl. You know how much I love you, I can't go destroying these feelings for nuts.

You said that I don't mix with other people? I want to, but i can't. I don't know why you're always saying things about me. Is that what your image of a boyfriend should be? I don't know what is a good girlfriend. If you have any expectation about me, tell me.
Not that I can't, but is just i stick to the same people because i know them well, their personality matches me. I'm easy, if a person behavior doesn't suit me, I don't stick to them. Obviously? I will be pissed at single thing they do, and i don't want to come to a day that i will hate them. NO, i don't want to.

Why are you always saying things that hurt me? even if you ask me to take it easy, it hurts still even if it's a joke. You know a taboo word is when a guy says a girl FAT? what's more your boyfriend. it's just so frustrating. Don't you know that?

I'm trying to keep everything to myself, and not tell anybody about this. i don't want it to think like, "oh, why am i telling them but not you,"

I have so much things to say. I wonder if you realize it. I wonder if you're even free to take your time off from your busy schedule to just look at me and see if there is any message i am trying to tell you here.

Are you trying? I'm trying to tell you that I'm not happy here.

By the way, i just wanted to say.

HELL YES, WE DIDN'T TALK AT ALL FOR ONE DAY. 
and i mia-ed on twitter too. Shouldn't you be asking? Or you're too busy again?

I don't expect you to care for me for like 24/7 hours for nuts.. but... i don't know, i don't know what i want either.

I just want someone to be by my side when I need them.
I... just...

whatever.
I MUST NOT MIND, I MUST NOT MIND.
so the feeling of seeing your own boyfriend getting close with a girl is this painful... So .. He must have felt the same and is not saying anything..

I'm learning something.. I must not mind.. Must not.. Mind.

On the way to meet you, and I am so excited to see you.
Don't want to say this twice, but you really could read me like a book. It's as though, nothing could escape from your eyes about me, and that's why I love you so much.

You seem to understand me..

I am scared that I might hurt you.. But when I know you won't, it make fall even deeper for you.

I feel guilty. Am i the one in wrong? I scared you're not happy, and I'm in dilemma, i really don't know who to consult, what i should, what i shouldn't do. What if you found out and you get sour about it? We were sour just now ain't it? I wonder what were you thinking? I don't want to make things worse so i didn't really show you the text messages. When you ask if he didn't reply me anymore, how i wished to tell you that actually he text me, and we had a rather 'nice' conversation...

But all i talked to him was about you. It's only you. My mind is filled with you. Do you know how much I am falling for you? Till the extent that I can't control it. Just now when I am out with you, I tried not to be so clingy, and then, you noticed it. I didn't know why I was that clingy, but.... I didn't want to let go. Because, I didn't want to lose you. At some point of time, I was really worried that if I let go, you'll never come back.

I had that fear.

IT'S DISTURBING. 
it's making me feel so wrecked up now. Is it better if I just leave things like this? I know there are people out there wanting to be with someone they like. But together with someone you like and the person likes you is easy. But in a relationship, it's difficult to actually compromise.

Dramas and movies always says some bullshit that people believe. In reality, it doesn't. I don't know how to explain to make it seems right, but reality is just that harsh. Which guy would be willing to ... go a thousand miles for you? I'm not the lucky one.

Now i'm coming to understand why my mother doesn't really approve of the same age guy with me. But still, i won't leave you. You don't seem to care anything, and I don't seem to see what you're thinking. You're been harsh to me by saying that I'm fat and stuffs and you're asking me to tank it. You said you're unique compared to all my ex.

I know that. But... it sometimes hurts to hear my boyfriend saying myself fat and saying what I'm lazy. You don't know that I'm sensitive. You told me to take it in.. I'm taking...

I don't know what i should do anymore.

I know i shouldn't be typing this here but rather talk to you but I'm really very... very .. lost now.

Tell me, what should i do?
YOU READ ME LIKE A BOOK

Typing this blog in makan place is not so fun as at home. You know I can't keep secrets well so everytime when I talked to you, I feel so tempted to tell you that I have a private blog, even though I created it just like one day ago.

When you asked me "What's wrong?" yesterday, it really cheered me up. I think I am really madly in love with you.

I can't help the fact that I really wanted you to be by my side like always, and been there for me. It's difficult since our timetables clashes most of the time. Just now in the lesson, you just place your hand over my shoulder, and that made me so happy. But I just hate the fact that "You're so near yet so far,"

How can someone make me as crazy as this?
I bet no one could, except you.

I didn't want to be as cheesy as this, that's why I don't want to type or show all these feelings of mine to my public blog, or even to my Livejournal friends. I hope no one is reading this, except for myself. Oh well, as long as it isn't you, I'm fine with it.

You're in lesson now. I wonder what you are doing? Are you thinking of me like how I am thinking of you? Staying in school is an excuse, wanting to see you after your lesson is the truth. I can't type that in twitter, because I said I will try to suppress my emotions for your sake.

I'm suppressing. It's hard, it's terrible, it's bursting. But I'll survive. I'll definitely.... survive.

And... you're with her again. How I envy her much..

You came. I saw you, and I was so happy. You came. You.. Came. I went mad for awhile and then we walked out of makan place together, after that, you sent me to my bus stop, before my bus came and then you left. That huge feeling of disappointment sank down when you said, "Bye bye," I waited so long and just to spent awhile with you actually satisfy me more than anything.

You know I don't wish for anything.. I just wish for you been beside me, and that was more than enough.

Hearing your voice last in the night is absoutely .. Like a dream.
I really don't know what I should do as a person. No matter as student individual, as a daughter individual, or as a girlfriend individual. Relationships are more heartbreaking than being in love. That was why I was so afraid of getting into a relationship. I know you won't like her.. But.. You two look so compatible in terms of everything. Studying... Hobby.. I don't know if you even chosen the correct one as your girlfriend. Am. I. Good. Enough. For. You? Am I the one for you? I don't know if I should be thinking this, and If you know this is what I am thinking, you will probably be talking some sense out of me again. It's not that I dont listen, I think so little of myself that I am so afraid of losing you. I really want to have a future with you. But I am scared that I am pressing you too much till the point you can't breathe. So.. Right now, I am releasing. I am trying to let go of the control and the demand I want from you. "I must try to be understanding," but sometimes I cannot take it when you don't reply my SMS. So.. That was how my ex felt when I didn't reply.. Karma?

I wonder if it's all my fault when my ex all left me. Was it really my fault? Was it because I didn't have faith in them or what so ever? Was it even.. Their fault to begin? They say there is no right or wrong in a relationship. Is that true? I wonder...

Maybe I am the one demanding much. Maybe I should not be demanding much...

Just now when Tessa talked to you, you know, I was actually processing the words on her. She was right, I am such a poor thing. But, this isn't the first time right? If you really enjoyed it, I really don't mind letting you to go and enjoy yourself. But.. I hate it that our schedule clashed so much this semester. I thought that in Bangkok, it was more than tolerated, and you keep wanting to meet me. Now I know the times in Bangkok were precious...

How much I miss your tender and caring touch, your voice.. Your everything.
I will tolerate this... I will tolerate this.. It's unbearable, but I will not show. I WILL NOT SHOW- STARTING FROM TODAY.

Will you start to know something is wrong when I start not to stick to you?

You don't even know I was sick this afternoon I guess.... How would I know if you knows anyway.
Sometimes, I really want to read your mind.

IF I SAY I MISS YOU, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?


You don't know I teared in the cafeteria because of you this afternoon don't you? 
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW. I was trying to control my tears and said it was headache... It was slight headache, but my chest was hurting more. My jealousy was extreme.