THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT.
that's the conclusion i got.
It's only been a few weeks. I wonder how you could get it over so soon.

If there is any technique, teach me?

I wonder how you get it over so fast, as though NOTHING HAVE HAPPENED in the beginning.

I am not willing to? Jokingly saying that... You think it's that easy?! This is your first, and me? My third and the excuses all revolves around the same reason. No, I am not saying thats my excuse. Of course it's not.

Ending up, I don't even know how I should be facing you. Everytime you appear in front of me, you just seem like nothing ever HAPPEN and that makes me so fed up.

When I saw you at the bus stop on Monday, I felt so confused and there you are saying I ignored you straight in the face. I DIDN'T. You make no effort in doing anything even when our eyes exchanged for few seconds, and things were getting awkward, obviously any other party would turn away right. As you always say, YOU HIDE your emotions well. SO WELL that I can't predict what you are doing next.

Whatever it is, it's all over.

I just want all the feelings I am feeling to faster disappear and go away. I hate the fact that I am always the one that is the foolish one in the end. All along, no one appreciates it. And I am tired of this.
"If there's a choice of choosing something and make it go right, what will it be?"

"If you do know there there is something troubling you, who would you tell it to?"

"If you can have the freedom to choose any time to go back to, which will you go to?"

"If there is a rewind button, a pause button, a stop button, and a forward button in your life, which would you press?"

"If there is someone beside you asking you what wish do you have, what would you say?"

"If that someone pops in front of you and smile at you, what would you do?"

"If that girl have a long line of guys queuing to woo her, but she only want that one particular person, what would you advice her?"

"If there is a medicine for you to forget about someone, who would you choose to forget on?"

If I didn't meet you today at the bus stop... I wonder if I'll still know that you still hold so dearly in my heart.

If I didn't meet you today at the bus stop... I think I'll just shove the matter off from my mind and continue doing things that are just against my own will and thinking.

/edit

Now, I see. It's already more than impossible anymore.
I don't know how am I going to face you from now on.
I was shivering so much when I saw you, it was so unexpected, so shocking.  I got on the bus, and my mind just went total blank. How would i even dare to ignore you? Seeing you was more than enough, what's more.. a smile.

Misunderstandings are killers. People usually say that when there is misunderstanding, we need to clear them out. I didn't ignore you. I didn't. I couldn't calm down when you just appear in front of me. What should i think? And the next moment, I just turn and walked off without doing anything. I didn't want you to see my pathetic face.

My pathetic and worthless face.
After a night of thinking...

I decided. I know what's my decision. Which is, I would still believe in you. Not that I want to mean it any other way. I just want to believe in whatever you're doing, I just want to get back the person I know before here.

Somehow, I know that you will never be like this. But sometimes, people do want to hope.

Maybe all along, my hope is just for you to remember back then what promises did we make.

Maybe that's all I'm wishing for.
私はあなたを憎む

This feeling will probably just die off soon. I just can't believe that every of this thing happens.

Who can I blame? Nope, nobody is in fault. Even if it is, it's all mine. I just didn't got ready that this will happen, and that there will be such a day.

I hate that this happened.
I'm so.. so so silly.

You're right. What hope again?

Desperately.. holding on, when nothing is going to come back.

I'M NOT AN OBJECT.

Why did you ask me to go back to you back then? How did you feel back then? Why did your feelings for me lost? Do you still think of me like I am? Do you remember my words on the bus?

Questions and questions and questions.
I just don't want to get involved anymore.

I'm sick of all these. I'm sick of relationship, I'm sick of trust, I'm sick of those words.

It's completely shut off.
So.. I'm typing this entry in makan place, so not romantic.

There isn't any hope left except for your blog. I'm alway revisiting it, i'm always to hope to see something new post there, but there was nothing there.

I need your past entry to bring me the hope, I need those to tell myself that "It's okay, everything will be back to normal soon,"

The blog is all I have left.

I shouldn't have expected anything.
And yet, I felt disappointed.
Why again?
I remembered myself saying that my feelings will not change.

Today I spoke to SX about us. He was commenting and I started to say a whole lot about us. I remembered what I said inside the bus.

My feelings for you never changed. Right from the beginning, it's still the same. Even if the result is to be bad, I don't mind getting hurt, if the reason is you.

It's you that's why I'm hurting, but I don't regret. I like you just as much as before, no. I like you more than before. I'm in love with you.

I can't fall out of this no matter what. I don't know what brings me to the future, but I know I love you.

I miss you, I love you, I want you.

But I won't be that selfish. Even if standing at the side looking at you is more than enough. Looking at you is MORE THAN ENOUGH.

You can make me smile, but you can bring me down.

Everybody scold me and say that I am stupid. I know I am.

But if it's because of you, I don't mind been the stupid one here. Even if I know I will not get any reward or result back, I will still continue to love you.

I probably should say, you are my everything now.
I dreamt of you.

I'm so stupid. Thinking you have lessons, I thought you would come to school. You know, i cried again last night when I saw your blog. Those words stabbed through my heart.

I remembered the time when we got together, the hug you gave me in front of everybody. Is that supposedly to be meant an act or what? You're right, if you leave me alone like this, I would definitely think so much.

I needed you so much. But why did I didn't try to keep you? In the beginning, was it my fault that everything ended up like this.

I wondered why your feelings changed.

We're meeting again tomorrow, and we'll be back to square one. We'll be like... passing by each other like we don't know each other. We'll living our own life.

Two weeks ago, on the Monday, you broke up with me.

I saw my phone, and suddenly the calendar timing you set back then pop up inside. I didn't know you set to 2012, 2013 on 7 July. You wanted us to last right? Then.. why did you let me go?

I've never left before. I'm still the 'us', but yet you've already left so far, so far till I don't know where you're heading to.

It's like we're on this route, and I could no longer walk, and there you are holding the umbrella, continuing walking down the road, without turning back to say goodbye to me. You just keep walking... and walking, until you disappear.

EVERY TUESDAY IS A BATTLE. 
I tried to watch movies and jdrama(s) to get my mind off from you.

Yesterday I went to watch a musical, and somehow during the musical, I thought of you. I imagined you being my side, and the first time we held hand together, the times we watch THOR.. and the times we were inside the library.

Some are bad memories, but I remembering the good one. I suddenly remembered about the drama I just watched today, and it seems that it will be awhile longer before I'm over you.

The rain outside my window is pouring now. It seems that the rain won't stop any sooner.

I miss you.

I don't know what I want, I hate that people are dumping me. I hate that people are always saying they'll be there for me but yet the next moment they're gone.

I chose to trust you, but the next moment, you disappear from me.

Why? When I always did my best to put my trust on that person, that person always left me. I don't understand. Is it my fate? Or that I just shouldn't be having a boyfriend?

I'm so scared right now that I don't know what I should do.
I am in the train and typing this. I've thinking through so hard. Why did I tell you about this blog? Sometimes it's difficult for me to know what you are thinking.

I used to think that you will be my last. I even planned what we will be doing on Christmas, and you said you book me to bring me to Hatsune miku.
However, everything is ruined.
Christmas alone. Birthday alone. Your birthday.. I can't celebrate it for you anymore.

It will hurt me if I continue talking to you, means, I will never get to talk to you again?

Maybe let's make a promise.

The day when I text you, will be the day that I am over you, and we will go back to what were last time. The day I text you, will be the day that I really doesn't have feelings for you anymore.

So, thats that. I will never forget the times with you. The times from today will be tough, will be lonely, will be painful. But I will pass through all these.

But it also makes me wonder, why am I working so hard to have someone and then that person doesn't return my feelings?

It's three. All three dumped me is either they like another person or they doesn't like me.

Excuses. Nicholas said because I said I dont like him anymore then he went to like another girl. But it's not an excuse! Its not an excuse that you can just like another girl just like that.

That's is not fair at all..

I blame on my fate.

I blame on my life.

I MISS YOU.
I thought that that was the last time I need to go through that. I didn't expect myself, or to see myself  going through the same thing all over again.

I can't imagine myself falling out from you, because all I'm doing now is falling even deeper and deeper for you.

You know this feeling doesn't change.

I just wanted to say that, you know, I was kind of disappointed that you didn't try to keep me. I know it was me who make you to have the choice, but it's just so sad that you didn't try to keep me.

Didn't you say before? Even if after we break, we will still be friends. I was afraid that we can't be friends anymore, is another reason why I was so hesitant to get with you back then.

Remember back then? My worries? You assured me everything was going to be fine, and you gave me a hug. That warmth, that assuredness, I can still remember all of them inside my heart.

All I ever wanted was to keep you with me, I never thought this will never last.

My love for you, and your like for me is different.

I sometimes questioned myself, do you ever love me?

You do know what's love right?

My heart aches now when I see you. Just now in class, when I go through the handphone, I suddenly saw that particular note you set in my calender. "I love you"

That was back then in July, do you still remember what did you do?

You gave me hope, get together with me, and the one who ended it. How ironic is that?

No. I don't blame anyone. Even if it's to blame, it's all just my fault for not trying my best to keep you.

I know I should be strong, but I don't know how long more I could do this anymore.

I remembered it was just one week ago. One week ago, I cried in the preview theatre, did you realize? Vondra was there beside me, and everything about you came back to me. The night when you text me, I thought I was ready for your break up, but no. I wasn't...

It hurt so much, that my heart sank immediately.

What is it in you that make me love you so much? I wonder why. I thought I was ready for that break up, but no, I didn't want to leave you.

I wanted to tell you not to leave me, I wanted to tell you to stay beside me. I don't care if you lose feelings for me or what. But then, I realize, it shouldn't be this case.

My love for you is big, it's strong, but no matter what, if you don't love me the way I do, I guess we will never work out. All I ever wish for is you talking to me. Is it just me, or is it that you really want to have nothing to do with me?

Is it really the case that you really want to have a clean break up, till the point that, You don't step into my life, and I don't step into my life? It's confusing me.

Even if I have many supporters of this relationship, you do know that that's not even enough to ease the pain I felt. I wonder how you felt after our break up.. Sad? Relieve?

Do you ever regret being with me?

Sometimes I wish I could just open up your brain, and take a good look inside.

I love you, this much. If you're ever reading this.. I really do love you.

Deep from my heart.
It's time to let go.

I need to learn to do so. But everytime I try to, your face appears.

I failed.

I always fall in love hard, and ultimately, the one that gets hurt is always myself.

Why am I so dumb?

I'm strong? In fact, I would really want to crumble down.

But I can't, can't i? If i do that... I won't live up to your expectation. I'm like before, acting like I'm hating you, but in fact I'm still loving you.

So much.