Is it just me or is it that i feel that I am always putting efforts into something and yet I don't get anything is return?

Is it just me or is it just my life?

Why am i always hoping for things at the wrong timing? Why is it that when i want to grab onto something so much, my hands are always slipping and my hands falls off, and before I know it, the hope get crashes right in front of my face?

i don't know if it's just me or something. I just feel that whenever I am in a relationship, the one putting the most effort in is me. It's always me, no matter if it's come to waiting, or been on time. Or whether it's the gift or the time we spent together, just everything. I told myself to never put myself into such a situation ever again, because who knows what will happen in the future. But then, before I know it, i find myself into such situation again.

I don't mind waiting, I don't mind going extra miles to meet you. But then, will you wait for me? Will you go extra miles for me? Your words shows it, but sometimes your actions doesn't. Time to time it does, but time to time it doesn't. I wonder if I am unreasonable. I wonder if I am demanding. I don't expect much from you, if you love being in that CCA, I don't mind letting you continue, even if I feel terrible about it.

Just that, i want to express it out here. I feel that you're so far away from me whenever you talk about that cca stuffs. Whenever you talk something, I imagine it, so when I imagine it and realize I am not there and won't be there, I feel horrible. But, I enjoy hearing you say it. LOL, girls are contradicting creatures,  I know.

You're like miles and miles away and when I want to chase after you you don't seem to get any nearer to me. You're like distances away. Is it me that is imagining things? I'm really tired of betraying, and I'm really tired of hoping. I don't want to hope and end up having the same old feeling I have last time. It's horrible, and it's..... crazy.

'rely on me' 'trust me' those words are sweet to others but scary to me. What I want isn't words, because words fears me. What I want are just simply actions. Show me you care, show me that I am your everything. Show me that you will treat me like the way you are treating me forever. Show me that I am worthy for the worthy you.

I realize I am the kind of girl that if someone doesn't initiate something, i will not initiate even though I really want to. Like for example just now I wanted to meet you for dinner yet I didn't say anything. And I wasn't willing to walk to your house again since I did that afternoon, and I was also thinking 'hey why must it always be me that finds you?' You didn't want to leave home, so the negative thoughts came inside my head 'he isn't willing to leave home for me' so I was just so emotional again and decided to hop on the bus and head home instead. 

I just don't get the feelings that are running throughout me. Part of me wants to trust you yet part of me is asking me not to do so. It's like, whether to commit suicide or not to commit suicide. That's the situation I am in right now.

Should I commit suicide, and hope that someone is there ready to catch me, or should I not commit suicide and forever make that someone wait hopelessly?
1 month 4 days and still counting.

I was supposed to come here to blog on the one month but I had so much fun till I didn't have the mood. And now, I'm here once again.

It's been already one month since I last got together with Daichi. Everything happened in a flash and I just wants to spend more time with him. It doesn't really make me feel that he is the one for me, i just want him to be the one for me.

Daichi treated me real good compared to any other guys out there. I feel that I am not good enough for him. I just wanted to be the right one for him.

Oh shits, I don't know what am I saying anymore. Daichi, I really love you so much.

just like the ring and the necklace, we're both bounded to each other <3


this may be a little late, but, happy one month daichi.