being awhile since i last typed in here. so many things to do and say but i just can't seem to get them to words.

today is yet another day that i miss him so much, just that this time round it's different, we're over.

it happened again. Just as i read back my post when i told myself not to trust so much, i fall deep again, and it still hurts badly even though nearly a month have passed. if at that time we didn't break up, we're 6th month this month...

i wonder if i am not good enough or not i am too good for anyone. why can't anyone seemed to appreciate who i am, or that can't they just let me stay by their side?

yes they do admit they like me, they do everything to get me. after they get me, and got sick of me, they dumped me and find another one just like anyone else ever do. i can never ever believe in whatever they are saying anymore. i doubt, i suspect, i distrust.

i just can't seem to get him out of my head even though a month had passed. every single place seemed to have his lingering figure and thought around, every single time seemed to get possessed by him.

why did you even started with me when you never intent to stay with me? why did you promise me things and never ever get it done. don't promise me because i don't want these to be broken. you said i will be fine, i am strong. i am not. the fact that i just want someone to be by my side whenever i needed them, is it that difficult or is that the most difficult thing to do on earth?

i don't understand.
it's been awhile since i last type in here. so much things going on right now and i also cannot take the social relationship i need to handle.

please, hiroyuki. don't stress me any further will you? I don't know what is your intention on saying those things but seriously don't make me do anything anymore

I really don't get your point of saying all these 'meanings' words to me any further. It doesn't even help in our relationship no matter being as friends or whatever...

don't try to do anything to me because i will not be going to care at all. seriously.

prince have been busy recently due to his exams. sure i do understand since i myself is being stress and all but i don't know of all times, why am I missing him recently. is it just me or that.... i really am going to fall so deep down?

I have warned myself not to trust other people easily, and so i really did so. i created a barrier in front of me and not allowing anyone to enter so easily. why is it that prince came and this barrier just opens its way out for him?

i have no mood to do my work is because i have been missing prince so much. I don't it to be a habit because i know i need to control myself. when i met him that time, you don't know how happy i was.... tonight at the dinner, nobody knew how lonely i was when i look at all their partner beside them and i was the only one looking at my phone.....

feelings so overwhelming. i'm hurting all over. no more please, no more of such things.

i have enough.
Is it just me or is it that i feel that I am always putting efforts into something and yet I don't get anything is return?

Is it just me or is it just my life?

Why am i always hoping for things at the wrong timing? Why is it that when i want to grab onto something so much, my hands are always slipping and my hands falls off, and before I know it, the hope get crashes right in front of my face?

i don't know if it's just me or something. I just feel that whenever I am in a relationship, the one putting the most effort in is me. It's always me, no matter if it's come to waiting, or been on time. Or whether it's the gift or the time we spent together, just everything. I told myself to never put myself into such a situation ever again, because who knows what will happen in the future. But then, before I know it, i find myself into such situation again.

I don't mind waiting, I don't mind going extra miles to meet you. But then, will you wait for me? Will you go extra miles for me? Your words shows it, but sometimes your actions doesn't. Time to time it does, but time to time it doesn't. I wonder if I am unreasonable. I wonder if I am demanding. I don't expect much from you, if you love being in that CCA, I don't mind letting you continue, even if I feel terrible about it.

Just that, i want to express it out here. I feel that you're so far away from me whenever you talk about that cca stuffs. Whenever you talk something, I imagine it, so when I imagine it and realize I am not there and won't be there, I feel horrible. But, I enjoy hearing you say it. LOL, girls are contradicting creatures,  I know.

You're like miles and miles away and when I want to chase after you you don't seem to get any nearer to me. You're like distances away. Is it me that is imagining things? I'm really tired of betraying, and I'm really tired of hoping. I don't want to hope and end up having the same old feeling I have last time. It's horrible, and it's..... crazy.

'rely on me' 'trust me' those words are sweet to others but scary to me. What I want isn't words, because words fears me. What I want are just simply actions. Show me you care, show me that I am your everything. Show me that you will treat me like the way you are treating me forever. Show me that I am worthy for the worthy you.

I realize I am the kind of girl that if someone doesn't initiate something, i will not initiate even though I really want to. Like for example just now I wanted to meet you for dinner yet I didn't say anything. And I wasn't willing to walk to your house again since I did that afternoon, and I was also thinking 'hey why must it always be me that finds you?' You didn't want to leave home, so the negative thoughts came inside my head 'he isn't willing to leave home for me' so I was just so emotional again and decided to hop on the bus and head home instead. 

I just don't get the feelings that are running throughout me. Part of me wants to trust you yet part of me is asking me not to do so. It's like, whether to commit suicide or not to commit suicide. That's the situation I am in right now.

Should I commit suicide, and hope that someone is there ready to catch me, or should I not commit suicide and forever make that someone wait hopelessly?
1 month 4 days and still counting.

I was supposed to come here to blog on the one month but I had so much fun till I didn't have the mood. And now, I'm here once again.

It's been already one month since I last got together with Daichi. Everything happened in a flash and I just wants to spend more time with him. It doesn't really make me feel that he is the one for me, i just want him to be the one for me.

Daichi treated me real good compared to any other guys out there. I feel that I am not good enough for him. I just wanted to be the right one for him.

Oh shits, I don't know what am I saying anymore. Daichi, I really love you so much.

just like the ring and the necklace, we're both bounded to each other <3


this may be a little late, but, happy one month daichi.
Been awhile since I type in my blog and I feel so perplexed.

It hasn't been a month, and i am already so in love.

It's so tiring. Whenever I see him and her so near each other, I bound to feel that lost of belonging. It's like as though I am envious, and at the same time jealous but I can't do anything at all. What's wrong with been such a terrible person with such emotions like this.

Seriously, I can't take the fact you and her are so close and that I am so jealous of both of you. I hate it more when two of them comes into the room and talks to you with me around and I have nothing in common. To them, I am like just a freshie in the room.

That thought of you telling me that if i came in last year, you probably like her already. And now I am over here getting jealous for i don't know why even though you are mine.

Daichi, I am scared. Really scared that you'll leave me like how others do. I have never felt this scared as I am compared previously. I don't want to be the one who's the only one so scared to the point that I will release to release myself from suffering. That's the most bad situation I could ever think of.

I am scared, scared that you will no longer be by my side, or I will be scared that the other more attractive girls will attract you even more than I do.

Emotions are running through my head, it's overtaking my conscious, so much to the point that I can break down there and then. It hurts so much to think that you're beside me but then so far away from me. You're like on the same island on me, but yet when I try to reach out for you, nothing seems to be returning to me.

For some reasons, when you're near me, my heart just seems to be pumping. I can feel my heart pumping when i place my hand onto my chest. It's so loud, louder than usual. Louder than anything else. It's aching, it's crying, it's screaming for help.

I wonder who can pull me out of ths agony. Like I need a warm light to shine on me, and hug me, and tell me that everything is okay. Everything is fine, and ask me to stay strong.



I don't like how you put it. It's as if like I'm the bad one over here. In the first place, when we first met, you suddenly ask me to stead with you. I told you I was willing to try, and things got so fast, and I got sweep away. I did want to try out with you and hope that things are really working out fine. But slowly, I got tired of having a boyfriend, I got so tired of wanting someone beside me.

It got troublesome, it got messed up, it got so vexed and stressful. I once told myself that my boyfriend must be my best friend, my good friend, my brother, my everything. With you, it doesn't felt that way. With you, I'm uncomfortable, I'm insecure, and I'm just plain unhappy.

Why did i fucking give you a chance? Maybe it was funny for me to reject you right in front of your face, but then again, I really wanted to try.

When it is not right, it should be time to break up. You may think that I'm your everything, but if I don't think that way, one person giving everything out isn't a true relationship. What for I hold on to you when you could find another person who could treat you even better?

I don't like you. It's true that you like me a lot, but then, I don't like you at all. What I had for you was just a slight infautuation. Your behavior and everything is not my cup of tea. Relationships can't be forced, once a side of the party feels that everything isnt right, the relationship can't be saved. And i hate giving false hope to people. When i reconsider on the relationship, to me, it's pointless.

I talked to my mother for two days before I came out with this decision. This is not any rash decision I made. Sure I've hurt your feelings, but you do know that I really did try my best, although you would never find it out because of how dense and small your mind is. It's because you're not willing to even find out what I'm thinking, and you're just giving your best shot over there but it is not even what you think it is.

You should have just stopped and look at me. Look what I want to say instead of doing your upmost effort to get me to fall for you. Instead, it gave the opposite result of making me want to break up with you.

It's no one's fault. Right now, all you need to do is to just give up, stop, take a break and continue. Why are you sticking to me when there are so many other choices out there. After 4.5 years and you found me? That's just bullshit. It's probably just another thing that you're using me as an excuse not to move on anymore.

You're deceiving yourself, because I feel that you can just go on and like another girl. What you say are just plain shits.

You decide what you feel. It is not your feelings controlling you, but you controlling the feelings.

It all comes down to you.
Dear ZhenWei,

I guess you should know who this should be too, since this whole blog. Hey, you know, when the first time I met you, I didn't know I'll like you.

We were so similar in everything. The first time I met you, I clearly remembered you wearing your blue Sports and Wellness shirt, and you were outside the makan place area, on the phone, trying to spot me, while I am just right down the stairs, going up it, and then you spotted me, smiled, and hanged up the phone. We went to eat, and afterwards, everybody went separate ways, and you, Harry and Keith Li accompanied me to wait for my Japanese lesson. Four of us say inside makan place, and how harry is playing with photoshop and editing your face, and how you were spamming my Facebook wall, and facebook-rape my account. You all sent me to my japanese lesson classroom. After that, we texted.

There was another time when I was with my secondary school friends, and you were walking by the atrium. The previous day you was on facebook saying that I didn't see you when you were in school, and I didn't say hi to you. You said you remembered my name. When I saw you, you delibrately caught my attention, and pointed to yourself. I immediately stopped, and think back, before I said out your name. You laughed and smiled, and walked off. My friend just said I was silly, and i just keep laughing out loud.

The next few monday(s), we had another course dinner, and you accompanied me again. We went to the library, and chilled out. Starting talking craps, watching anime, and then playing with each other like there was no tomorrow. My japanese class friends joined me sometimes, but I just didn't really talked to them. You were with me, and they all teased me and said that you were my boyfriend. I smiled.

One of the monday, you told me you have CCA, so I decided to send you there before I go off for my own Japanese lesson. I send you to the field, and it was early. We settled down on the seat, and started complaining on who to text first later. You started talking about volleyball, about Reyne. That facial expression, I have never forgotten it. You were as though an excited little boy, anticipating his sport game everyday. And that was the first time you really caught my attention. Soon, time have came and it's time for me to go off for my lessons. We said goodbye and said you'll text me after your CCA. After my Japanese lesson,I decided to go to the track field to see you having your CCA. I walked towards the field, and suddenly the whole group of people that were training there just look at me. You know I'm shy at strangers. When they look at me, I stopped in my tracks, and just look at the field that was right in front of me, and tried to search for you. I stood there for a few minutes, before I turned and left.

That was the start of everything.

I told you about it, and how we seemed so excited about everything. It was new, and the feeling was so great. At that time, I didn't know that I have liked you, until I told you, and you realize it, and I realize it. I search for it, and I knew that, I like you.

We got together, faced ups and downs. But I only remembered the happy moments. I still remembered it was that day when I need to do this 2D Art assignment in class, and after that you came to school early. I went outside to find you, and we realize we've wear the same top and bottom colors. We laughed and you said that I copied you. We stood there and started talking, when Keith Png came by, and saw us talking and standing together. He went back in, and we looked at each other, "Oh shit," I went back to class, and everybody started to talk about us. Saying how they want to get us together in Bangkok.

There was some point of time when I need to enter your class to get the money for the class-tee-shirt. We look at each other, before turning away from each other vision and smile or blush. Sometimes when I passed by your room, I'll just turn in and take a glimpse of you, looking at what you do. Those times were the best, those times were the times when all the harsh things didn't happen at all. There was also a time when I told my dad to come to school just a little later because I wanted to spend some time with you. We walked hand in hand, taking one whole U-turn around the school just to have more time with you. I can remember everything. The time when I sat at the track field and waited for your CCA to end, the times when we went to atrium, and your friends saw us holding hands together, and we were just smiling. There was the point of time when we need to read the letter of past, and how I cried and thought of my ex, and you were having written communication. You promised to give me a hug, and you really did. But, you shyly turned away after you hug me. There was that time when I dress quite normal but to you you said I was pretty.

We broke up because of me. Somehow things got really complicated. We stopped talking, and then, we patched back, and we broke again.

The next time we patched, it was in Bangkok.

Amanda and everybody else could see that we still like each other. I still like you, you still "like" me. That's it. In them, they just wanted us to be together. In us? We wanted each other back, and we didn't think of the consequences at that time. Get back together, that was whatever it is in our mind. In the beginning of the trip, I keep going to 1901 because I wanted to see you, because I know you will be there. Although I know I won't get to talk to you, but I know that you will be there. Just having the distance between us shortened slightly is more than enough.

And then, that was the day. Amanda came into the room, pulled me out, and suddenly pushed me into the room that you were inside. I got jealous the fact that you and Amanda was so close to each other. She locked your shoulders of you right in front of me, and I just turned and talked to other people. I can't do anything at that time, you wasn't my boyfriend. All I know was, it hurts, inside. I got inside, and keep banging on the door to ask them to get me out. He told me to sit on the bed, and I sat at the edge, he told me to keep closer, and then suddenly he passed me the laptop. We started chatting on it, and we just looked at each other, smiling as each time we passed the laptop to each other. It was nostalgic. That time, I thought, "How long did we not talk to each other?" And then, you assured me of everything that I was worried of. From not been able to be friends when we break up till unsureness that I had of a relationship to the trust I will be feeling. You told me that you will stand by me, be there for me whenever I have anything. You said you'll be there for me.. You said that. And I agreed to try to be your girlfriend once again. We hugged each other, before we hold hand after such a long time. First time was a mistake, second time is a choice.

We got together. We left the room hand in hand and everybody just laughed and congratulated us. I smiled, and hugged Amanda so tightly. I was so happy that night. That was the first time, I felt that you will probably treat me right. No, you will treat me right. You was about to left room when Amanda forced you to hug me. Immediately, you put your bag down, and came towards me and hugged me tightly. You slowly left the room, and I looked at you, leaving the room, as the room door closes. That night, I had the sweetest dream and sleep ever.

We went for the bridge visit, and I was scared of height. You hold my hand tightly, and you guided me through the bridge. That was the time everybody would know that we are together. I felt so happy. I didn't care the fact that everybody know, in fact, I wanted the whole world to know that you were my boyfriend, and I'm proud of it. We went to BigC and Tesco together, we spend almost all of our times together. Shopping, washing dishes, choosing food, playing our laptop, doing our work. Everything.

Those times were like a whole new experience to me and I really enjoyed it. I love the times, and I didn't want them to end. You were like everything to me, and I thought you treated me the same. The times we went to school, how we talked on twitter, how we chatted with each other through whatsapp. How everybody teased me and you that we should get together before we got together. How caring you were when you lend your jacket to me and I didn't want to let go of it. How your touch can be so electrifying, suffocating, and gentle. How everything resides inside my head. How perfect you were.

Great times end. We came back from Bangkok, and everything starts to settle in. No more seeing each other with just a 3minutes walk away. No more late meetings at night. When we get back to Singapore, reality settles in, and we started to distance ourselves away from each other, not only because we're not studying in the same class, but also the fact that volleyball training of yours have come in, and it's even more hectic than before. To think of it, I started liking you is because you were in volleyball. Your face and expression that talked about volleyball. Your passion for it. I love you for that. I love you... for everything you had.

From then till now, I still love you. It's like a never ending. For me to stop liking someone, it's to like another person. MY feelings can't die off like this, and I'll never confess to someone if I don't know whether I like that person. From a mere stranger, fate brought us to know each other through the course. We got the same interests, and that was what linked us together. That interest made us talk to each other more, and eventually, it makes me want to learn more about you. Once I learn more about you, I want to know more on what other people don't know about you. And after that, I want to keep that secret of you throughout the rest of my life. The you that you were with me, was perfect. At least to me. I'm not weak, I'm just accepting the fact that I love you, and up till now, I will not be able to forget you, not unless someone like you appeared again in my life, and pulled me away like how you did from my ex.

It will be lying if I say that talking to you doesn't hurt me. Your every single reply makes my heart skipped once. I'll be lying if I say I don't love you anymore.

I still love you, till the day that another person appears in my life and takes over your position. But... I don't think it'll be that easy. I hope you're happy with your life, your studies, and everything.