hahahahaa. talking about not mentioning about me after that post. now who's who.

i know i am childish, i know i am immature. so what? even if i am, i don't want to hear it from a dick like you.

you are just jealous that somehow someone snatched me away from you. well, don't deny that alright. but seriously, i don't give a fuck.

in the first place. you are the one who screwed everything up. if you didn't phrase whatever things that way, or let me see your blog, everything is fine isn't it? and now what. saying that i replace you for my ex? hahha, sorry, you are not even worthy of that position.
and now what, you are just finding another girl to replace you. and please la, you comparing is already evidence of replacing. you don't even know how i feel, so don't fucking say that i shouldn't be feeling like this okay.

ah yes. i am blunt. i don't care. especially not to me. i can't wait for my contract to end and get you out of my life. literally.

/end of rant. phew.

i feel so much better.
he was right. I was escaping from every single thing that wants to enter my life. I pushed people that truly cared for me, i pushed them away because i was afraid that if I let them in, the one ended up getting hurt was me.

I didn't mind them being hurt. I was such an asshole. I hurt these people that truly cared for me, and the one that didn't get hurt was me.

I pushed them away before getting a chance to get hurt. I escaped, and I run away.

I don't trust people, even no matter how much trust they put into me.

They wanted me to trust them, but in the end I shoved them away, just like how I was shoved away by prince months ago.

I was doing the same thing as him. I am no difference from him. I am a bastard, just like him.

And all I ever wanted was just someone to be by my side. But now I know I am not ready.

but it really hurts... i don't even......

//fml
this isn't the right time for anything. so here I am trying my best to forget all about prince, and yes, his memories came flowing back into my head.

i remembered the first time we went to astons to eat, and then how much i wanted to share to him about my time in haze of singapore when he was away. how much i wanted him to be there for me when i had breathing difficulty when i was in singapore.

how much i had looked forward on him returning and give me a hug.

how much warmth his hugs and held was..
and all these crushed the moment when i put down the phone call the other time when i was on the way to school.

and at the very same branch of that same astons, i met the ex before prince.

he was the best i could ever ask for, just a little flaws that i couldn't bear.

but at that same branch, i saw him today and i started wondering if he had been a better person, i wouldn't have met prince, and without prince, my life isn't ruined right now... with my head all overwhelmed with him.

i really wonder if god is really playing a trick on me. or is that am i really that bad of a girlfriend that no one really wants.

or is that i am just too perfect for any other guy out there as what i heard from prince.

or is that... i just can't find anyone to be there for me?

strong? how am i even strong. all i ever asked for is someone to share my joy, laughter, sorrow and pain together with me, that's what i ever asked for, and that every single guy is leaving me?

我真的不知道我那里出错了。还是这是我前世的报应？
而我也只能默默的等待，用我这已破碎的心，等待一个不可能回实现的奇迹

能老天听我诉苦，而派一个愿意和我同甘共苦的人，只希望他能带在我身边，直到永远

而这“永远” 两个字的含义，也只能他来解说
being awhile since i last typed in here. so many things to do and say but i just can't seem to get them to words.

today is yet another day that i miss him so much, just that this time round it's different, we're over.

it happened again. Just as i read back my post when i told myself not to trust so much, i fall deep again, and it still hurts badly even though nearly a month have passed. if at that time we didn't break up, we're 6th month this month...

i wonder if i am not good enough or not i am too good for anyone. why can't anyone seemed to appreciate who i am, or that can't they just let me stay by their side?

yes they do admit they like me, they do everything to get me. after they get me, and got sick of me, they dumped me and find another one just like anyone else ever do. i can never ever believe in whatever they are saying anymore. i doubt, i suspect, i distrust.

i just can't seem to get him out of my head even though a month had passed. every single place seemed to have his lingering figure and thought around, every single time seemed to get possessed by him.

why did you even started with me when you never intent to stay with me? why did you promise me things and never ever get it done. don't promise me because i don't want these to be broken. you said i will be fine, i am strong. i am not. the fact that i just want someone to be by my side whenever i needed them, is it that difficult or is that the most difficult thing to do on earth?

i don't understand.
it's been awhile since i last type in here. so much things going on right now and i also cannot take the social relationship i need to handle.

please, hiroyuki. don't stress me any further will you? I don't know what is your intention on saying those things but seriously don't make me do anything anymore

I really don't get your point of saying all these 'meanings' words to me any further. It doesn't even help in our relationship no matter being as friends or whatever...

don't try to do anything to me because i will not be going to care at all. seriously.

prince have been busy recently due to his exams. sure i do understand since i myself is being stress and all but i don't know of all times, why am I missing him recently. is it just me or that.... i really am going to fall so deep down?

I have warned myself not to trust other people easily, and so i really did so. i created a barrier in front of me and not allowing anyone to enter so easily. why is it that prince came and this barrier just opens its way out for him?

i have no mood to do my work is because i have been missing prince so much. I don't it to be a habit because i know i need to control myself. when i met him that time, you don't know how happy i was.... tonight at the dinner, nobody knew how lonely i was when i look at all their partner beside them and i was the only one looking at my phone.....

feelings so overwhelming. i'm hurting all over. no more please, no more of such things.

i have enough.
Is it just me or is it that i feel that I am always putting efforts into something and yet I don't get anything is return?

Is it just me or is it just my life?

Why am i always hoping for things at the wrong timing? Why is it that when i want to grab onto something so much, my hands are always slipping and my hands falls off, and before I know it, the hope get crashes right in front of my face?

i don't know if it's just me or something. I just feel that whenever I am in a relationship, the one putting the most effort in is me. It's always me, no matter if it's come to waiting, or been on time. Or whether it's the gift or the time we spent together, just everything. I told myself to never put myself into such a situation ever again, because who knows what will happen in the future. But then, before I know it, i find myself into such situation again.

I don't mind waiting, I don't mind going extra miles to meet you. But then, will you wait for me? Will you go extra miles for me? Your words shows it, but sometimes your actions doesn't. Time to time it does, but time to time it doesn't. I wonder if I am unreasonable. I wonder if I am demanding. I don't expect much from you, if you love being in that CCA, I don't mind letting you continue, even if I feel terrible about it.

Just that, i want to express it out here. I feel that you're so far away from me whenever you talk about that cca stuffs. Whenever you talk something, I imagine it, so when I imagine it and realize I am not there and won't be there, I feel horrible. But, I enjoy hearing you say it. LOL, girls are contradicting creatures,  I know.

You're like miles and miles away and when I want to chase after you you don't seem to get any nearer to me. You're like distances away. Is it me that is imagining things? I'm really tired of betraying, and I'm really tired of hoping. I don't want to hope and end up having the same old feeling I have last time. It's horrible, and it's..... crazy.

'rely on me' 'trust me' those words are sweet to others but scary to me. What I want isn't words, because words fears me. What I want are just simply actions. Show me you care, show me that I am your everything. Show me that you will treat me like the way you are treating me forever. Show me that I am worthy for the worthy you.

I realize I am the kind of girl that if someone doesn't initiate something, i will not initiate even though I really want to. Like for example just now I wanted to meet you for dinner yet I didn't say anything. And I wasn't willing to walk to your house again since I did that afternoon, and I was also thinking 'hey why must it always be me that finds you?' You didn't want to leave home, so the negative thoughts came inside my head 'he isn't willing to leave home for me' so I was just so emotional again and decided to hop on the bus and head home instead. 

I just don't get the feelings that are running throughout me. Part of me wants to trust you yet part of me is asking me not to do so. It's like, whether to commit suicide or not to commit suicide. That's the situation I am in right now.

Should I commit suicide, and hope that someone is there ready to catch me, or should I not commit suicide and forever make that someone wait hopelessly?
1 month 4 days and still counting.

I was supposed to come here to blog on the one month but I had so much fun till I didn't have the mood. And now, I'm here once again.

It's been already one month since I last got together with Daichi. Everything happened in a flash and I just wants to spend more time with him. It doesn't really make me feel that he is the one for me, i just want him to be the one for me.

Daichi treated me real good compared to any other guys out there. I feel that I am not good enough for him. I just wanted to be the right one for him.

Oh shits, I don't know what am I saying anymore. Daichi, I really love you so much.

just like the ring and the necklace, we're both bounded to each other <3


this may be a little late, but, happy one month daichi.